Friday Funnies

[pcurtis]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from

LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[pcurtis]

The Indians ask their chief if it’s going to be a cold winter. Not knowing the answer he says “yes it will be a cold winter and you should collect fire wood. He then sneaks off and calls the national weather station and asks, “will it be a cold winter”. They reply “yes it will be a very cold winter”.
The chief returns and says “It is going to be a really cold winter so collect heaps of wood”. A week later he calls the weather station again and asks “ is it going to be a really cold winter”. The guy reply’s “oh yes it will be quite cold indeed”.
The chief returns to his tribe and says “It will indeed be a very cold winter so collect every scrap of wood you can”.
Still not convinced the chief calls the station one last time, “Are you really really sure it will be a cold winter” he asks them. “Absolutely it will be, our satellite shows us that the Indians are collecting fire wood like crazy, so of course it will be”.

[pcurtis]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked
up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat
food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof
that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to
the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier
said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you
have a dog.

A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof
that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that
would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh it."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

[pcurtis]

I went to the dentist the other day to have a tooth pulled. The dentist had a look & proceeded to draw up & prepare an injection. I said, "No way I hate needles"....so he offered me Gas....I said, "No. Can't have gas I get ill from it" He then walked out & came back & gave me a pill & a glass of water which I consumed. I said, "That's different. What was that pill called?" He said, "V i a g r a" I said, "V i a g r a what use is that to me?" He said, "Well, you;ll need something to hold onto when I start pulling this tooth"